wow. he blows my mind in the best way possible. i think i've found the one.

for the first time in a long time i am embracing single hood as i never did before. i am no longer a dating maniac. i live content and alone. i don't dream of proposals, weddings, marriages, or even boyfriends. i have decided to live for my career. it's been good. better than good, great. i never thought i could be so happy being so independent.

the only thing is, last night i had a dream. while my ex was far from the focus of the dream, he was still in it. the most disturbing thing is the part he played in my dream: the hero who saves me from adversity. i would not be so bothered if this was the first, second, or even third time this happened but it has happened countless times: different dreams, same hero, always him. this is disturbing because the real (conscious) me knows that he is by far no hero of mine. in fact, he is a narcissistic workaholic. it was annoying and my subconscious made him out to be something i actively know he isn't.

i thought about this strange phenomenon for a bit tonight and i came to the conclusion that while he was never truly my hero, he played the part (more or less) in my life for an extended period of time. i knew that if i had a problem, he would try to fix it. now that i'm single, all my needs are met except for that one: knowing there's someone i can count on, who is there for me and has my back b/c he loves me more than anything. this is a somber thought to ponder and i don't want to succumb to it's implications: that i won't be happy if i'm single forever because i will always be in need of this hero.

i know the fact that i'm single now doesn't necessitate that i will be single forever but i can't help but try to force myself to accept that view. if i can't be happy of the idea of being single forever, i won't able to be happy with the idea that i'm single now. i don't know if that makes sense. but i feel this is true for me mostly because i am not actively doing anything to "cure" my singleness. i don't want to get into the nitty gritty of why i won't find anyone but part of it is because i don't go out but part of that is because i'm sick of trying and part of that is because i can't take anymore disappointment. 

i broke up with dr. love about a week after my last post on this blog. i haven't returned here mostly because i didn't want to blog about it. i've been dating and meeting guys all summer. unfortunately, i'm still very very single. i have several leads and i guess it could be worse. it's been a tough summer for me: my best friend got married. it's not just any best friend - we were born on the same day and had all our firsts at the same time: first day of school, first crushes, first boyfriends, first kisses, first times, high school graduations, college graduations, first real breakups, etc.... this is the first time that our lives aren't parallel and in my opinion, it couldn't come at a worse time. :( so while i sit at home and watch the golden girls and play the sims 2 like a loser, she is on a romantic honeymoon in italy where her husband scheduled them to stay at three different types of resorts over the course of ten days. she's there right now while i sit here, still blogging about my pathetic single life.

i'm beginning to feel like it's never going to happen for me. i'm never going to be loved. i'm never going to find love. i'm never going to get married and have a family. i'll never know what it's like to not go to bed alone every night and wake up alone every morning. i'll never be safe in the arms of love. i'm turning 28 in a little over a month and i just know i'm going to be miserable all the way up to my birthday with the eve of my birthday being the worst. last year, i cried half the night and couldn't sleep. i barely got four hours and had to go to work where not a single person knew it was my birthday and was nauseous all afternoon because i didn't get any sleep the night before.

a few months ago, i wanted to make a big deal out of my birthday this year because i have never ever made a big deal out of my birthday in my life. not even that big; just planning a horseback riding excursion and then maybe dinner. something simple but something i plan myself. now, i'm too depressed to even want to celebrate it. now i feel like it should be a day of mourning instead of celebration. i just want to be left and alone and not be reminded of how fucking miserable my life is.

tonight i talked on the phone with a mutual friend of mine and my ex's. i came to find out about all these shady things he did while he was still dating me. i was hurt, angry, not surprised and indifferent all at the same time. everytime i purge him from my life, i am fueled by indignations but after an extended period away from him, i forget why he is the scum of the earth.

i guess i'd just like to have a romantic view of him. no one wants to think that they spent a good chunk of their lives on a piece of trash of a human being but tonight i realize that is exactly what he is - at least at the time. i hope that the future will bring maturation for him but when he was with me, i seriously could not have done much worse.

i can't help but feel sad tonight thinking about how he treated me so bad and acted so shady behind my back for so long. how he held me back in so many ways. how being him stunted my growth and robbed me of the life that my family and i worked so hard for me to have. i am not trying to throw myself a pity party but i can't help but feel sad that i was treated so bad by someone i loved and trusted with everything. with everything. even after all this time, i feel so betrayed. i came to find out tonight that he was pursuing some of my friends while he was dating me. you'd think that this wouldn't be worse than the prostitutes but to me it kinda is. i guess anyone in the fucking world is fucking fair game to him. wth. you know, i don't even care. i'm with a winner now and even if i wasn't it doesn't matter because i'm a winner. i'm a winner because i don't do shit like that to people i'm with. anyway, i've already wasted enough tears on him and i don't care but i can't help but be really sad that that is part of my life and the treatment i received after giving my love. i can't help but feel sad and cry. i just feel like it's so unfair and unwarranted. it hurts to look at your past and see yourself being treated like complete shit by someone you loved.

i hate him now. i hate more than i ever ever have. you know, i always wanted to believe that we had something special - now i see i was only one who saw it that way. to him, i was just a way to pass time ... and a good time, and it hurts so much to accept that. he claims that he cared about me but if that is his love, i don't fucken want it because i wouldn't treat my enemies in such a manner. what the fuck is wrong with him? his existence makes a mockery of manhood and decency. he is a sick, pathetic soul and the depths of his depravity gives me no choice but to loathe him without end.

fuck him. i hate him forever. 

an update on my relationship.

my boyfriend and I have hit and PASSED the 6 month mark. i would consider 6 months somewhat of a milestone. this is the third relationship in my life that has last more than 6 months. it's actually been 7 and a half, but who's counting? things are great between us. they are not perfect but pretty darn solid. so now let's get to the gist of this blog: my sex life. my sex life has been ... inconsistent since the start of this relationship. we don't have sex very often... maybe a few times a month. usually it's good, sometimes it's okay, and sometimes it's the best ever. i would sum it up by saying it doesn't happen enough. yes, there is somewhat of an incompatibility between us. i'm practically a borderline nympho b/c i want it all the time and i can do it all the time. i have literally spent long sections of my life eating, sleeping, and having sex. i can have as many orgasms as long as my body has energy. him... not so much. however, it's quality not quantity and i would say our sex life is quality. plus, there are just so many OTHER things that click that i just can't leave him for infrequent sex. to be honest, the thought has crossed my mind but it's not that bad. plus, i'm sure if we were more serious (engaged, married, living together, etc) i would be getting a lot more action. more on this topic later but i'm done talking about it for now.

my body.

i am still not loving my body. NOT LOVING IT AT ALL. i've never disliked my body as much as i do now. you know, i gained an inch on my hips/butt and waist, and LOST an inch off my boobs?! WTF!!!! yeah, as if i didn't already have a complex about small boobs, my boobs have gotten smaller. words cannot express my utter dismay. however, this section of my post will end on a good note because i feel better now about my body than i have in the past few weeks: when i came out of the shower and my boyfriend watched me walk around naked the look on his face gave me a lot of my confidence back.

sex.

a really funny thing happened this weekend. i usually don't initiate anything physical with my boyfriend because i want him to want it and that is an aphrodisiac for me. however, i had cramps saturday night when we were together and he ended up giving me some painkiller for my cramps and since there was caffeine in the painkiller, he also gave me ambien to help me sleep. for some reason, that combination of pills made me super horney. i went after him like a fly to honey. i don't remember everything that happened except that it was extremely intense and really really hot. i guess after suppressing it for so long, it had to come out. i gave him the best blow job ever and he came. it was great for both of us. the next morning, i was not done. we went at it again and i gave him an even better one. it was the best blow job i've ever given. i started out by kissing and licking everything down there like it was ice cream. and then i slowly put just the tip of it in my mouth. each time i slid it in, i put more and more of it in but very slowly to build up the anticipation until finally it was all in. periodically, i would take it out and rub it all over my lips and face, kissing and licking it like i wanted it more than a million dollars. i think the key to giving a great blowjob (other than no teeth and  good technique) is passion, control, and confidence. it's an expression of your desire for the person. over the course of the session, i choked on it a few times because it was all the way in the back of my throat but not in a degrading way. anyway, it was hot. it's hard to describe and you kind of have to be there (even though technically you can't so that was a poor choice of words on my part - LOL) afterward, he laid in bed repeating how great it was over and over again.

i never give blowjobs because of the generally degrading nature of the act and the way i hear guys talk about it in society. however, i'll do it once in a blue moon if I want to. my bf has never asked for it or pressured me to do it. i really like that.

anyway, i thought ambien was supposed to make you sleepy, not hungry for cock.

the honeymoon is definitely over for my relationship with my boyfriend. for once, i not really in the mood to talk about it. all i know is that he is not perfect, i am not perfect, and we are not perfect for each other. relationships are hard work and endless questions. i hate the aspect of uncertainty. we've both disappointed each other and now at least i guess we can say that we have a more holistic view of one another. sadly, i would have to say that out future is quite uncertain. thinking about it makes me sad.

i haven't felt this lonely in a long time.

i don't like my boobs. they are too small. this has not always been the case. as a teenager, i wouldn't mind having bigger boobs at times but i also didn't mind my boobs. this all changed when the very first guy who saw me naked at the age of 17 suggested to me that i get breast implants. repeatedly. over the course of our entire relationship. after that, i came to detest my boobs. there would be periods where i wouldn't care and then there would be periods where i'd want bigger boobs so bad, i considered plastic surgery. there have been guys who've seen my boobs after that guy and even though they would compliment my boobs, i wouldn't really agree with or believe them. i'm a 32C but i look more like an A cup. i think this is due to the fact that my boobs are pancake shape and not eggplant shape. anyway, i have friends who are an A cup who look bigger than me because of the shape of their breasts. i would never actually have plastic surgery b/c i would feel like i'd be living a lie and i am anything, it is honest. plus, i like being natural and knowing that i am 100% me. there are a million other reasons but let's just say that's not a feasible option. anyway, i forgot where i was originally going to go with this post but i guess this is all i really have to say on the topic.

:)

i just got back from my third brazilian wax ever. yes, the first one was hell on earth at a beauty salon but the second one was 100x better and i seriously felt next to nothing on this third one. the reason being is that the hair grows back finer and sparser and i go back regularly. so girls, if you're thinking about doing it, you should definitely do it! i love being so clean down there and the confidence i feel when i'm with my man. the pain is very temporary and it's true that it pretty much goes away altogether! i love it! i'm so glad i tried it!

i got two emails today: one from my bf and one from my ex.

from my boyfriend:

Hi hun,
 
Wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and miss you. I wish I could see you and hold you... I miss the smell of your hair and the feeling of your body against mine.
 
Sorry to not be able to spend time with you... My schedule sucks! I just switched onto ER overnight shifts so gotta work from 8 PM until 8 AM the next couple days then have to go up to Stanford on Wednesday! I'm having trouble sleeping right now but am trying to force myself or else I'm going to be tired all night...
 
Love,
[bf]

from my ex (i emailed him my blog entry from last night):

My reply will be short because I know that with enough time our paths will cross again. Thank you for allowing me to read an entry in your "private blog." I feel privileged to be a part of the select few, I really do. =)

As I was reading your entry, my first impression was "Wow, I sound really pathetic." However, it feels good to know that you still care about me after all the unnecessary junk I put you through. =( I mean everything I said to you last night, and I will continue to think about you everyday.

I am listening to the Robin Thicke song "Lost Without You". I love the lines "Baby you're the perfect shape, Baby you're the perfect weight" because they remind of you. I know it may sound cheesy, but I like the lyrics because they are true...you are perfect.

i'm too tired to process anything. i don't know why, but i don't feel happy. part of me is still mourning the loss of my ex and other part of me misses my boyfriend and wonders how long i will be able to hang in this relationship where his free time is so limited. this summer my questions of "will it be worth it?" will be answered as he enters his third (and easiest) year of residency. supposedly, he will have all these free time so come july we will see.

anyway, i'm tired but i don't want to go to sleep. i think i will...